6 Surprising Health Benefits of Wiping Back to Front

#2 Will SHOCK You!!!

When scientists examine deep into the bowels of history, one fact clearly unites every single human that has ever lived: we all take poopies. Napoleon, Cleopatra … even Jesus Christ, maybe, had working intestines! But somewhere along the way, the simple act of wiping one’s bottom after dropping the kids off at the pool became more complicated than we could have ever imagined. 

Front to back? Who even started this trend? Almost all people wiped back to front before Charmin opened its doors in the 1960’s. Big TP doesn’t want you to know these secrets, because they want to keep you hooked on their double-ply, quilted, cozy paper. But we need to be more open about this incredibly important topic. Personally, my life has completely changed since making the switch to back to front wiping. Here are only SOME of the insane benefits of B2F (that’s what us back to fronters call it, try and keep up) I’ve discovered on my health journey:

1. Wiping Back to Front Uses Less Toilet Paper

Do you constantly find yourself at the end of the toilet paper roll? Does the bare brown cardboard that stares up at you from the holder haunt your dreams? Are your personal relationships crumbling under the pressure you constantly feel to keep the TP stocked? 

Once I started wiping back to front, I only had to use ONE square of toilet paper per bathroom visit. Compared to the 8 to 36 I used to need, this is obviously a huge improvement, saving my time, my money, and my marriage.

2. Saves You Precious Time

It’s worth repeating: I save so much time wiping back to front. Gone are the days where I spent 2-3 hours locked away in the bathroom every time I needed to relieve myself. Now, the whole process takes a matter of minutes. Minutes! I have more time to be productive at work, take up hobbies (like this investigative journalism), and rewatch all of the Sopranos. Oh yeah, and spend time with my kids sometimes.

3. It Could Stop Global Warming

Toilet paper accounts for over 90% of carbon emissions literally tearing holes in our beloved ozone layer. I mean, sure, recycle glass bottles while driving your fancy battery-operated car if that helps you sleep at night. But now that you know you could be saving the rainforests by wiping back to front, you can’t unknow it. Do what’s right.

4. It’s More Natural Than Front to Back

“It would be absolutely preposterous to deduct that [wiping front to back] is how humanity was intended to evolve,” author and scientist, Charles Darwin, was overheard saying once in line for a seafood buffet. It’s true. The human body was not designed to wipe front to back. It’s completely unnatural and can result in shoulder injuries, forgetfulness, and long-term ugliness. 

Our biceps are connected to our elbows by a series of tissues and tendons clearly meant to move exclusively in a forward motion. Wiping front to back? That’s a backward motion. That’s why it feels so scratchy. No amount of gummy vitamins can make up for the irreparable damage you’ve already done to your body wiping the wrong way. To improve our health, we can only move forward.

5. Billionaires Swear By Wiping Back to Front

Everyone wants to know the big secret to success and here it is: the direction you wipe. Seriously. Take a good, long look at a picture of Mark Zuckerberg and tell me he doesn’t wipe back to front. 

6. My Sex Life is Better Than Ever

It’s embarrassing to think about the days when I used to wipe front to back; no wonder no one wanted to have sex with me! Now, things have never been spicier in the bedroom. Living the back to front lifestyle put the *spark* back in my sex life. Like, there is a fire in my pants. A real big one. My doctor called it a UTI, which must stand for “Unbelievably Terrific Intercourse.” Because. That’s me! That’s my life.
Wipe back to front today. Thank me tomorrow.